Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
