Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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