party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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