Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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