I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
