70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
