She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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