all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
