i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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