That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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