I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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