I just pynch a tree in the face
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize