It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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