good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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