If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
