i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize