On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
