We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
