this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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