Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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