once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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