you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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