upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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