I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
