The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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