kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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