More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
