fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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