K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
