It's Friday. Sex?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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