the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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