the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
