I'm eating all of the evidence.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize