did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
