Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
