Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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