so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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