im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize