its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
