Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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