my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
