Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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