Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
