my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
