i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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