Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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