i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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