Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
