hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
