Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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