i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
