It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
someone owes me an orgasm
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
