you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
