My hair reeks of homosexuality.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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