I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
