gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
