Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
