Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
