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• (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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• (904): View more from Florida

  I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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• (208): View more from Idaho

  this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

  (712): View more from Iowa

  What's an angry pirate?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.

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• (315): View more from New York

  I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.

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• (480): View more from Arizona

  I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.

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• (716): View more from New York

  Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.

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• (613): View more from Ontario

  whatcha doing?

  (1-613): View more from Ontario

  lying in bed pretending to be a slug

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• (319): View more from Iowa

  A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.

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