It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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