Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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