What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My pussy is not your playground.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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