I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
