Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
