No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
