the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize