u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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