Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
