I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
