i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
farters have to be the big spoon...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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