I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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